The Worst Highest Grossing Films Ever, Part 1

Just because a film is a blockbuster doesn't mean it's a good film. It seems that every year, a new, terrible movie (Watchmen) explodes in the box office, while thousands of brilliant ones quietly fall from the marquee (In Bruges). The general population has no idea they've been subversively swindled; they have no idea that Michael Bay or George Lucas has just purloined $7 from their pockets.

This series is an effort to shed light on these block-busting burglars. Starting from the bottom of Box Office Mojo's inflation-adjusted list of Top Grossing Films, I will work towards shedding light on poor script-writing, shoddy acting, and all around piss-poorness. Today, we start with the 94th highest grossing film of all time, Spider-Man 3.

More after the jump!

The Crime: Spider-Man 3 -- $351,204,600 (2009 dollars)

I remember watching trailers on our old computer for Spider-Man -- the first film -- over my father's shoulder. The red and blue wonder slinging between tall, shimmering buildings. It was 2002 and we were still on the computer graphics honeymoon, talking about how realistic the webslinger looked as he floating through New York City's skyline, remarking how our palms were sweating when the trailer finished.

Maybe we anticipated too much at the beginning (for what movie could stand up next to that trailer?), but by the end -- that is, when Spider-Man 3's trailers came out -- we couldn't have had lower expectations. It was like hearing the moaning of some dying animal we couldn't reach; this "epic" series of movies just wouldn't die. The first film earned our positive remarks, but barely so: we all left the theater with smiles, saying, "It was a fun ride." But instead of unloading from the ride, we found ourselves strapped to the seat as the safety harness snapped back down with a mind of its own. Spider-Man 2. We watched it because the time-fermented memories of the first Spider-Man film looked shimmering and decent, but we left the theater muttering only: "What?"

And so, like force-feeding a nation a candy too sweet to enjoy, the automatons that run Sony filled the nations' theaters with a superhero too campy too endure -- and they added greater camp! They filled their movie-making cauldrons with sack after sack of camp! By the end of the film, most movie-goers had suffocated on webslinger's quips or the villains' predictabilities. I suspect the only reason this film earned such top dollar was due to family members purchasing tickets in an effort to exume their loved ones' remains from the theater -- only to die themselves during an after-credits scene indicating that no major characters actually died (twist!) while simultaneously hinting to a Spider-Man 4.

Oddly enough, as each new Spider-Man film came out, fewer Americans went to endure these films, yet higher numbers of foreigners bought tickets. The rational explanation for this could only be that Americans, natural capitalists, knew how to indicate their dislike by not buying tickets; while the foreigners, unable to understand English, did not die nearly as often while listening to Kirsten Dunst stumble over her already ungangly dialogue.

The Alternative: The Lord of the Rings

If you're in the mood for a three-part, block-busting, special-effects extravaganza, at least make it one with a non-linear storyline and three-dimensional characters. You can watch the Lord of the Rings series instead! Or, just watch any one of the director's cut versions; they're so long, they count as three movies!

Next up: The Lost World: Jurassic Park!